“You should be getting better grades.”
“You should spend less time on your phone.”
“You should keep your room cleaner.”
“You should help around the house more.”
We should on our teens to try to motivate them to make better decisions. If we point out when they’re doing the wrong thing, they’ll start doing the right thing, right?
Wrong.
When we should on our teens, we’re essentially trying to shame them into submission. This is actually true when we should on anyone (including ourselves!)
Should evokes shame because it’s implying: If you were a good/smart/competent person you would being doing THIS, but you’re not doing THIS, so…
That makes the person being should on feel bad/stupid/inept. This leads to shame, which crushes self-esteem and motivation.
That’s the opposite of what we’re trying to do!
Replace “sh” with “c.”
Instead of saying, “you should do this,” say, “you could do this.”
Instead of saying, “you should do this,” say, “you could do this.”
Should implies shame. Could implies choice.
Should assumes they made the wrong choice intentionally and without good reason. This causes us to react in anger.
Could assumes there is a good reason why they aren’t doing what we expected. This helps us respond with curiosity.
“I believe you could be getting better grades. Let’s figure out why you’re not.”
“I feel you could spend less time on your phone. Let’s see how that’s possible.”
“I think you could keep your room cleaner. Help me understand why you aren’t.”
“I wish you could help around the house more. What might be getting in your way?”
Could leads to problem-solving and helps you set your children up to succeed.
So, the next time you feel the shaming should about to roll off your tongue, remember you could say could instead.
