When our teens lose their s#*t, how do we calm things down?
First, we must understand what’s going on.
Temper tantrums, panic attacks, emotional breakdowns… these are all natural defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from perceived danger, vulnerability, or shame.
When our teens are in this heightened state of arousal, the logical, rational part of their brain goes offline. It’s like their emotions and thoughts are stuck in a hamster wheel spinning out of control. They are even more frustrated with their inability to control themselves than we are.
No amount of reasoning, yelling, threatening, or shaming is going to get them to stop.
But it could trigger more stress hormones to surge through their brain and body, escalating and prolonging their meltdown — basically, making the hamster wheel spin even faster.
Although we can’t stop them from feeling the way they do, we can reduce the intensity by snapping them out of their stress response and bringing their logical brain back online. Once they can think more rationally, we can help them find more productive ways to express their emotions.
7 ways to disrupt the stress response:
1. Keep it cool: Hold onto an ice cube/ice pack, splash cold water on your face, drink a glass of ice water, or jump into a chilly shower. You can also store a wet washcloth sprayed with lavender oil in your fridge for a fast refresher.
2. Twist the tongue: Suck on a lemon, sour candy, mint, or peppermint. Chew cinnamon gum or taste a drop of hot sauce — anything that might make your lips pucker or tongue sweat.
3. Widen the view: Break the tantrum tunnel vision by using your peripheral vision. Stretch your arms out to your sides and wiggle your fingers. Look forward and try to see them out of the corner of your eyes.
4. Boggle the mind: Stand on one foot, count how many yellow items you can find, ask a baffling question like, “Which would you rather have as a roommate: a bird or a goat?”
5. Scream in silence: Open your mouth and scream with all the force you can without making a sound. Do this as much as many times as you need.
6. Say their name: We can’t resist tuning in when we hear our name.
7. Dance it out: Put on some music and just start moving.
Keep in mind that these are just short-term solutions to get you through a difficult moment. If your teen is breaking down frequently, it’s important to uncover the cause of their emotions and get them professional help to manage them if necessary.
