“You seem really upset, but I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is.”
“I understand you’re overwhelmed, but if you stayed on top of your assignments, you wouldn’t be.”
We listen. We empathize. We try to help.
But our teens still get agitated and shut us out.
What’s going on?
It all comes down to the “but.”
When we say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” our teens feel heard, validated, and accepted. This creates trust, connection, and a sense of belonging — things every teen desperately needs.
As soon as we utter the word “but” (or anything along those lines such as “if only,” “you should have,” “why don’t you”) we erase everything we said before it.
All our teens hear now is what they should have done. They perceive this as criticism and judgement. It cultivates feelings of shame, distrust, and resentment.
To build a stronger connection with your teen, build their self-confidence, and help them develop empathy, practice sitting on your “but.” Empathize, validate, then stop.
“You seem really upset.”
“I understand you’re overwhelmed.”
If you feel compelled to offer advice (which, let’s face it, we all do), wait until you’ve let your teen fully express how they’re feeling, and you’ve done your best to understand and validate their perspective.
Then say, “I have an idea that might help. Are you interested in hearing it?”
If they say “yes,” proceed. They’re open to listening.
If they say “no,” stop. They aren’t going to listen anyway, so nothing good will come out of continuing.
THE BOTTOM LINE: The key to reducing conflict and increasing connection with our teens is helping them feel heard. To do this effectively, it’s essential to sit on our “buts.”
