Pro Parenting Tip #21: 3 questions to resolve any conflict with your teen
Ugh! Fighting with our teens can be exhausting. Why do they have to make everything a battle?
There are actually two good reasons:
- They are hardwired to seek autonomy and have agency over their own choices and actions. This means that when we ask them to do something it threatens their sense of independence (no matter how nicely you say it). They feel like you’re trying to control them. Their brain reads it as danger, triggers their fight or flight response, and they react.
- They are still learning how to communicate effectively. Now that they’re teens, their thoughts are deeper, their emotions are bigger, and they don’t know how to understand them or express them. So, their words come out sounding disrespectful, rude, even cruel. Rather than getting mad, model how to do it better.
Here are 3 questions you can ask your teen to reduce conflict, increase understanding, and lead the conversation in a more positive direction. (BTW, these work with spouses, colleagues, friends, your own parents…)
1. Can you help me understand your point of view? This lets them know that you value their perspective, feelings, and needs. Give them plenty of time to answer — they may be shocked you even asked. Then listen with curiosity and refrain from judgment. This is about stepping into their shoes not trying to get them to step into yours.
2. Do you feel like I understand your point of view? Repeat back what you heard them say as objectively as possible. Then make sure you got it right. This confirms to them that what they feel matters to you. It also makes them feel heard, which is all most teens really want.
3. Can I share my point of view? Once they feel heard and you’ve modeled to them how to listen, they will be more open to listening to you — especially since you asked. Keep your answer succinct and refrain from invalidating the feelings they just shared with you.
It’s frustrating to feel like you’re constantly arguing with your teen or walking on eggshells. Fortunately, you have the ability to break the cycle by asking the right questions and listening!
