Teen anxiety was a growing concern before the pandemic. Now that COVID-19 is such a pervasive part of our lives, it’s no surprise that anxiety-prone teens have become hyper-focused on its impact. As the virus spreads the issues that can trigger their anxiety has skyrocketed — from illness to isolation, academic uncertainty to economic instability. It may be tempting for us to overly reassure teenagers with anxiety; we want to tell them that everything is going to be alright, but they know as well as we do that we have no idea what’s going to happen. Instead, emphasize your teen’s ability to cope and focus on ways they can strengthen their resilience.
Here are 12 ways you can help soothe a teenager with anxiety
1. Empathize and normalize. Anxious people tend to imagine worst-case scenarios. To help neutralize your teen’s perspective, listen to them without judgment and acknowledge what they are feeling. Research has shown that trying to repress negative emotions can cause more stress than confronting those feelings head on. Advising them to stop worrying about something will only make them worry about it more. It’s like watching news stories warning us not to touch our face. All they do is make us want to touch our face more! Instead help your teen label the emotion they are feeling. Steer clear of using emotionally charged words like anxious, fearful, and scared, and help them find words that feel more manageable (hello, thesaurus). You can say something like, “You seem to be feeling a bit uneasy and shaken right now. Is that true?”
Next, affirm that their experience is valid. For example, “I understand why you feel jittery. This is all making me feel a little uncertain as well.” This simple reassurance is a powerful way of showing support and can be extremely comforting to your teen.
Once your teen feels heard and validated, you can help normalize their fear by asking three questions commonly used in cognitive behavioral therapy.
· What’s the worst that could happen?
· What’s the best that could happen?
· What’s most realistic or likely?
2. Practice breathing. The amygdala, the part of our brain responsible for keeping us safe, triggers the release of adrenaline when it senses danger. This fuels our body and empowers us to spring into action. Our heart beats faster and our breath becomes short and shallow in order to pump adrenaline to ever muscle in our body. We sweat to stay cool, our emotions are heightened to stay alert, and our “non-essential” systems like digestion get switched off to reserve all our resources for protecting ourselves. The problem is the amygdala can get it wrong sometimes they may react to things that aren’t real threats. When we have too much unnecessary adrenaline coursing through our bodies it can make us feel dizzy and confused, sweaty and clammy, nauseous, listless, overly sensitive or angry — all symptoms we relate to anxiety.
The good news is we can regain control of our body by breathing slowly and deeply. As our breath slows, our heart rate slows, the surge of adrenaline stops, and our body and mind begin to calm down. For this to work in the moment, we need to train our body to breathe deeply when we’re already calm. Choose a breathing technique and practice it daily until it becomes a habit. Then, when our amygdala decides to hijack our brain, our body is prepared to automatically override it with deep, slow breathing.
3. Establish a routine. Our lives have been turned upside down. Our daily rhythms and routines have been demolished. Basic things we took for granted have been stripped away. The future feels ambiguous and uncertain. We can’t control what’s happening outside our front door, but we can create a sense of normalcy inside your home. One way to do this is by establishing a routine. Set regular bedtimes, mealtimes, study time, family time, etc. Having a schedule provides a sense of security and control. It ensures everyone is taking good care of themselves–eating well, exercising, getting the critical 8–9 hours of sleep every night, and developing our relationships with one another. It also establishes a feeling of certainty: they may not know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but at least they know when to expect dinner.
4. Limit news exposure. Remember the Boston Marathon bombings? A study found that the people who were glued to the media coverage afterwards suffered higher acute stress than the people who actually experienced the bombings firsthand. Similarly, the more we hear about the virus the bigger and scarier it feels. Turn off the news. Show your teen how to block the constant barrage of alerts on their phone and social media feeds. Decide on one or two trusted, non-partisan, non-sensationalized news sources (e.g. The Centers for Disease Control and World Health Organization) and only check them once or twice a day. That’s enough to stay up-to-date on what you can do to prevent the spread, protect yourself, and help those in need — and that’s all you really need to know.
5. Go outside. Fresh air, sunlight, and spending time in nature can lift our spirits, lower our stress, and reduce symptoms associated with anxiety and depression. Sunlight also enables us to produce melatonin, which helps us sleep more soundly. Take a walk, throw a football, go for a bike ride, or if your teen is comfortable getting their hands dirty, ask them to help you in the garden. Studies have shown that performing repetitive tasks such as gardening can fight stress and Mycobacterium vaccae, a harmless bacteria commonly found in soil, can act as a natural antidepressant by increasing the release of serotonin, a “feel-good” neurotransmitter. A bonus: the bacteria can also decrease inflammation in your immune system.
6. Exercise. Physical activity increases the release of endorphins, which make us feel more relaxed, calm, and clear-headed. Exercise also helps reduce feelings of anxiety by giving our mind something else to focus on. Schedule at least 30 minutes every day to get your family moving. In addition to exercising outside, you can find a plethora of free online classes on YouTube, Facebook, and Zoom, as well as numerous workout apps. Or here’s a crazy idea, why not try skipping? Skipping is not only a great cardio workout, it’s less stressful on the body and makes us look so silly it’s impossible not to laugh.
7. Laugh. A good, hearty laugh also releases endorphins and can relieve physical tension and stress for up to 45 minutes. One study found that humor could help lower anxiety as much as (or even more than) exercise can. Other studies show that laughter can boost our immune systems by raising the level of infection-fighting antibodies in our bodies. Some ways you can infuse fun into your day are: Watch fun movies, play silly games, share hysterical memes or YouTube videos, listen to comedy podcasts, or try one of these 15 fun family activities.
8. Give them some control. Find things that your teen can control to help them gain confidence and feel more empowered. They can plan and prepare a meal, schedule their day, rearrange their room, or choose the game or movie for the evening. Because the brain is at its optimum condition for learning new things during adolescence, this is also a prime time for your teen to develop a new skill like knitting (repetitive motion is soothing), speaking conversational Mandarin, playing guitar, or juggling. You can also do a family project together: work on a 5000-piece puzzle, declutter the closets or garage, create a photo book, or volunteer. Giving back is one of the best ways to switch our focus from ourselves and what’s making us anxious to others and how we can help.
9. Count your blessings. Ask everyone in your family to make a list of the things they’re thankful for — both big and small. The simple act of expressing gratitude helps relieve stress and anxiety by changing our focus to the positive things in life. Another way to do this is to create a gratitude jar. Keep cards and pens next to it and encourage your family members to write at least one thing each day to put in the jar. If your teen is feeling especially anxious, they can read though all the cards to remind them of things that make them feel happy and secure.
10. Create a comfort kit. Pull together a treasure box of things that make your teen feel calm and safe. Try finding things that can soothe all five of their senses. Sensory preferences are very individual, so it may take some trial and error to figure out what works best for your teen. Here are some ideas to get you started:
a. Touch. Contact with soft things just makes us feel better. Some of the most soothing textures are fleece, silk, fur, velvet, cotton, and feathers. Include a soft and cuddly blanket or stuffed animal, a favorite worn t-shirt, or a silk scarf.
b. Sight. Give them something visually pleasing to look at like photographs, gemstones, or flowers. Include a snow globe that they can shake up to release tension then watch as it settles. Think about color too. Color psychologists say soft blues make us feel peaceful and calm; beige greens and pale-yellow greens are stress-reducing and comforting; light pinks promote tranquility; and violet creates a feeling of inner peace and balance.
c. Hearing. Slow-paced instrumental music can induce the relaxation response by helping lower blood pressure and heart rate as well as stress hormones. Help your teen create a playlist of their favorite soothing songs and sounds. Some sounds that are known for relieving stress and anxiety are: nature sounds like rain, waterfalls, and birds chirping; sound frequencies such as Weightless by Marconi Union, which scientists claim to be the most relaxing track ever recorded; classical music like Mozart, Bach, or Chopin; slow jazz (approximately 60 BPM), which can slow down a busy mind; and some Celtic, Native American and Indian music.
d. Smell. Include scented items like essential oils, candles, aromatherapy sachets, sprays, reeds, or rollers. Some of the most calming scents are lavender, orange or orange blossom, peppermint, and sandalwood.
e. Taste. We can soothe ourselves through our taste buds too. Some especially calming treats to try are lollipops, mints, gum, chocolate, and green tea.
f. Other: Giving your teen something to do with their hands and occupy their minds can also help reduce anxiety. Items they can squeeze and fiddle with like stress balls or putty can help alleviate tension. A box of colored pencils along with a coloring book, sketch pad, or journal is also a great tool for helping teens relax and express their feelings. Another item to consider is bubbles. Blowing bubbles isn’t just fun, they can help your teen slow down their breathing and give them something peaceful to focus on.
11. Set up a zen zone. Help your teen set up a personal retreat within your home. Make it a peaceful, quiet place just for them where they can escape to when their feeling overly anxious or down. Make it cozy with blankets, pillows, cushions, plush rugs, or bean bags. Make it soothing with soft lighting, relaxing music, and a stress-reducing scent like lavender. Your teen can also use curtains, sheets, or blankets to make their space feel more enclosed and secure like the forts we all made as kids. When they use this space, respect their need for solitude and let them be.
12. Love on them big. Positive physical contact can help release oxytocin and lower cortisol, which lowers physical symptoms of stress like blood pressure and heart rate. Hug them. Cuddle with them. Give them a squeeze on the shoulder. Let them know you see them, value them, and are there for them whenever they need you.
Helping teenagers with anxiety can be stressful and may make us feel anxious too. Remind yourself that you and your teen are doing the best you can in light of all the unprecedented changes and uncertainties. Do what you can to remain calm yourself and be as compassionate and forgiving as you can — both to your teen and to you. The more you practice, the easier it will get.
If you want more tips on how to keep your calm and connect with your teen, try this free 4-day Calm the Chaos Challenge. It just takes 5 minutes a day (20 minutes total), but its impact can last a lifetime.
